In many Native American groups, the vision quest is a turning point in life taken before to find oneself and the intended spiritual and life direction.
"No! He's right there"! I responded in frustration.
I was somewhere around the age of 3 or 4 and this was one of my first memories. I found a dying crow in my back yard and in my excitement bordering on a panic, fetched my next door neighbor to help fix the poor little critter. By the time I escorted her back to the bird, it was now limp and lifeless.
I couldn't understand how the bird could be gone? It was right there.
"It's gone back to heaven" she lamented.
This was my first experience with the concept of "mortality". Maybe the seed of my obsession with "black" animals. They're so beautiful but mysterious and like death have always represented something beyond which I can control.
This memory came back to me after a bike ride to the beach today. I've just been in a very dark state for too long now and I can't seem to shake it. Maybe it's the constant pain in my back along with the idea of not meeting my personal goals this year, my job which I hate but,I am so glad to have a job and also the fact that I'm swiftly closing in on the big "60" and disappointed with myself and my lack of accomplishments.
I think a lot about death and the fact that I'm just not a very happy person. It's been a constant battle for me. I really want to be happy but...
Today I as I leaned against the seawall looking out over the ocean I was surrounded by beautiful crows just floating motionless in the wind with their counterparts-the Seagulls.
Seagulls have a spiritual aura in their beauty and graceful flight along with the look and their freedom they seem to represent. Here I was free, breathing in the ocean air with the sun shining down through the crisp blue sky yet these dark thoughts and sadness in my soul seem to be my constant companion. I'm like that crow free to fly with the gulls but always cloaked in my darkness. I was able to get very close to them, enough that they would stare back at me without flinching with a look that seemed to say
"you are one of us...get over it and live your life".
I need the experience of a vision quest. I would love to just escape into the woods for a time with just my dogs and the bare essentials to sustain us. I need to confront myself. I need to break away from human distraction. It's eating me alive. Too many years at odds with human nature and negative confrontation. I'm truly burned out. Time for a break.
Before I turn in to this...
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| shot from the Cliff House |
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| The kids |
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| A dog and a crow |
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