When H.T.F.U Ain't Working...

There's a story behind this photo...I could relate the picture to my situation. It's kind of the way I feel right now. I've written a huge blog about what's been going on in my life lately, but I just can't get myself to publish it, so I'll just say this.

I'm not upset with anyone of my friends or family, it's just that I'm having a serious problem with being around anyone right now. There's a lot of reasons and a story behind it, but it's too painful to put out there and a real downer, so I just don't want to burden anyone with such negativity. I'm not dying or anything, it's just a fucking head trip I'm dealing with.

I've lost interest in EVERYTHING!
I mainly just want to stay in bed with a pillow over my head and never come out again. I can barely get through the day, I hate my situation, my job and my life. I've stopped playing music, photography and I can hardly get myself on my bike. I do the same twenty miles about four or five times a week without deviation, I just put my head down and force myself through it. I have absolutely no interest in being around people and when I see someone I know I put my head down and just go the other way because I'm too beaten to even talk. It's really fucked up. This has been an on going struggle, but lately it's become the only thing I know.
Hopefully sometime I'll shake it, but at this point I'm just stuck like the guy in the photo trying to fly. Everyone watching this kite full of air but he's not going anywhere...

So there it is. That's why I can't seem to Blog.

On Vacation...

Due to a lot of different reasons, I'm officially on vacation from the Blogosphere...

Viewing Life From Outerspace

This probably seems creepy and somewhat desperate and sad, but I couldn't help myself today. I woke up horribly exhausted this morning and barely got myself out for my Friday morning ride. I was glad I did because I always feel a little better after I warm up a bit and somewhat cheery towards the end of the ride. Of course I've been in and out of this funk lately and it's getting old. I just don't see a happy ending in my near future. So here's the weird part. I'm sure most everyone has done it, but I kind of took it to the extreme.

I google mapped the home in which I grew up and zeroed in on the satellite view. I just explored the old neighborhood back in Massachusetts and just let my mind wander. I guess it was kind of a life review of sorts. Retracing places I lived, I started thinking about certain points in my life growing up. I just started wondering where it went wrong and where things went right. It's pretty amazing how life meanders through time and space, bouncing in different directions, interacting with others fates and follies. I feel like a pinball. Life's truly amazing in where it takes us. I even brought up a calendar and started looking up when specific dates of events in my life occurred. I studied how certain events converged almost miraculously in many instances to change my life and even my thinking profoundly.

I came across the date that I met Cathy (my best friend/wife). I think of how slim the chance was that we would meet thirty-three years ago on October 17th 1976. So many things could have happened to keep us from meeting at that point in time. The odds are really mind boggling. Thirteen years later on the same exact date October 17th 1989 I had just exited the lower deck of the Cypress section 880 Freeway, when it collapsed behind me in the Loma Prieta earthquake. I thought of all the things that could have held me up a minute. There were so many things that could have happened during the day that I could have been held up just enough to have been crushed in the collapse. It still weirds me out to this day.

When I was young I used to stand in my back yard many nights by myself for what seemed like hours just staring off into space into the night sky and wondering what was to come. It's so amazing that I can look back through a computer through a satellite from space down to where I stood and have the answer. I wish there was a way that I could communicate to myself where I would be now. It's been great, it's been very bad at times, but it's been quite interesting. I don't know if I would tell myself what I should have, or shouldn't have done. I think the creepy part is It feels weirdly voyeuristic being able to look back on my life and see in two dimensions through a satellite and my own memory my whole life. It's actually painful in many ways. The many things I believed, but were so wrong. The opportunities I passed on so many times due to my erroneous concepts of life in general.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, but I feel like I'm getting to a point right now that it's coming to a head. It's going to be either really bad, or something will change profoundly and I'll get out of this stage in my life and move on to something new and hopeful. There's been a convergence, it's coming together right now, like a slow motion train wreck and I'm the hapless conductor praying to reach the track switch before the other train meets me head on. I've never been down to the wire like this...I'm watching it from outer space, looking down and hoping that person down there gets to where he's going with a happy ending...

I Got Sole!!

I'm the proud owner of a brand spankin new pair of sneakers! I miraculously received an unexpected check today for the last couple of weeks with my previous company. I didn't expect it and to tell you the truth I'm completely confused as to who I'm working for anymore. As long as some money keeps coming in I guess I can live with the mystery. It's so complicated that I can't even explain it, so I won't even try.

My ankles have been killing me the last few weeks due to my sneakers breaking down. They're actually in good shape compared to what my underwear looks like. Today I decided that was it, I need stuff to wear. I bought a package of underwear and sneakers at "Ross". It was quite an experience.

I'm absolutely amazed at what pigs people can be. I guess maybe it's a city thing. I went down to the basement shoe department and I was completely blown away at the mess. Shoes everywhere, people would just try them on and leave them on the floor for someone else to pick up. I saw one guy just pulling shoes off the shelf and dropping them, then just walking away to another shelf. Cathy just blurted out "What a jackass!". Lucky for me it didn't even phase the guy. She's like that. She has a tendency to say what's on her mind. I've had to talk my way out of some harrowing confrontations in the past. She's a feisty one! I finally found a pair of sneakers in the mess and headed up to the cashier. The line was a mile long. After I got out of the store I immediately put the new shoes on and we walked home comfortably.

I started thinking about the miles I've walked in those old sneakers. I thought about all the hard times and the good times they've been through over the last three years. I started feeling sorry for them, just leaving them there in front of the store on a newspaper box for some hapless and homeless soul to come along and make use of them. They may have been broken down, but they sure had a lot of sole. I feel like those sneakers...I still have a lot of soul to go...

Things seemed a little better today. I think maybe things will work out in the end, I have to just have a little faith. I'm actually thinking about making a real effort to get out and ride with friends this weekend. I need to snap out of whatever I'm going through right now. I'm just hoping I can drag my ass out of bed early enough this weekend to get out and meet everyone on time.

I really miss riding with people. I bore myself pretty quick on my solo rides, maybe that's why I can't seem to get over twenty miles lately.

Caution Everyone Needs Money

Menial labor is getting tougher. I don't have the energy level I once had. I used to have life pretty good way back...a few months ago. I was given free rent for managing three apartment buildings, which really helped, then it was just a matter of doing my regular work and mainly working as an administrator and managing workers and projects. I still did a good share of grunt work. Hauling trash, recycle and turning a wrench once and awhile. My deal now is that I pay half rent, which is pretty ludicrous. I have to work to pay off half my rent and then work a regular week on top of it to make my bills and groceries. I'm doing a ton of grunt work now and it's taking away a lot of social and bike time. I am definitely happy to just be working and have a roof over my head. There a lots of people that are much worse off than I am.

I have less time and energy for the bike, but I'm trying to maximize the enjoyment on my rides. Sunday rides are the best. I make a point of not pushing it. More like a recovery ride. I concentrate on my surroundings and just try to take it all in. Fortunately today I was taking it easy and my awareness kept me from getting busted by the park police. I was just coming up on a stop sign that I usually just cruise through after checking for traffic and I noticed a cyclist coming up on my right, so I began to slow, but saw the cyclist slam his brakes on just as I spotted a motorcycle cop cresting the hill in front of me. We both came to a stop and then the cop took a quick left in front of me to bust a third cyclist coming up the wrong way against traffic. Afterwards I headed down the hill and engaged the cyclist in conversation. He told me his wife had just gotten busted earlier for running a stop sign in Sausalito. $375.00 fine! I think it's true what's being said that budgets are thin and bikers are easy money in the bank for the cash strapped city budgets. At this point I can't really afford any tickets, so I'm watching my P's and Q's the best I can.

Just An Ordinary Day

Today was an odd day...One of those days where you have lots of stuff to do, but you feel like you are moving in slow motion and time is flying. By the time I finished my laundry it was noontime. I had promised to go out riding with Cathy and we had decided to have a picnic, or actually just pick up some deli sandwich's and head down to Fort Mason to relax. It was a beautiful day, so I was glad to get out.

Going through the Presidio was a chore considering all the construction going on. I'm sure it will be great when they're done. They're replacing Doyle Drive and cutting a lot of trees to do so. There are some nice new sweeping views being created, I just hope they don't tear down to many of the beautiful old trees.

As we were going down one of the new bike paths, guy on a tour bike was going the opposite way from us and he asked me a question on the fly. I should have kept going because we had a full head of steam, but I stopped and quickly turned back to engage him. Unfortunately when we started back up we were on a slight uphill and Cathy had a little difficulty getting into one of her pedals and just toppled over. I couldn't believe how banged up she was over such a little fall. Nothing serious, but a few bruises, scrapes and a bit of anger. I got her moving again, but I felt bad and kind of responsible, I shouldn't have stopped us like that. We ended up grabbing sandwich's and hanging out in the sunshine to eat and enjoy the day. We did get some nice pictures.

Not a whole lot going on...I think I just felt like posting some pictures. I haven't been doing enough of that lately...

All In The Family

I think I need to take a lesson from my two brothers and my Dad. My younger brother has discovered a passion for cycling, my older a rekindled passion for playing music and my Dad is just plain having fun! Here I am wheels spinning and a bit stuck in the mud, although there have been some breakthroughs this week, at least I know I have a job. Not quite at the terms I wanted and hoped for, but enough to keep a roof over our heads.

My older brother is sending me his compositions and musical experiments. I'm really happy for him. At about the time he really inspired me to play he kind of got wrapped up in that thing called life. It was kind of painful and sad for me to witness him not enjoying and performing music like I was at the time. I understood what what was going on and his reasons, but it was just tough for him and I felt bad about it.

My younger brother is one of those guys who has way too many irons in the fire. He's constantly shooting for the moon. Jumping through hoops and spinning plates has always been his modus operandi. The last year has been really tough for him...not to go into detail but many challenges in his life including the loss of a son that he loved and cared for very much. I was beginning to really worry about him. He's very good at hiding his cards and putting on a happy facade, but it was beginning to crumble. I hope he sticks with the cycling. I'm sure it's the thing he he really needs. Feeling physically fit and having the freedom that cycling brings is theraputic and brings a nice balance into a stressful life. Even with all the crap I have going right now, making myself get out and ride has helped me keep it all together.

I decided to go out and look for a second job at the beginning of this week...Guess what? There's nothing out there! I even went to Whole Foods to maybe get a job stocking shelves or bagging groceries...no deal! I think tomorrow I'll try McDonalds, or Burger King just for the Hell of it! I have a friend of mine that works for McDonalds. He works the drive-up and works on his stand up comedy routines. He has dreams about becoming a stand up comic. He makes me laugh for sure. I'd just like to have some work that I like. I can't ever remember a job that I liked. I once worked for Guitar Center back in 1990. I enjoyed the enviornment and being emersed in musical instruments, but I couldn't sell anything, so there was no money in it and I had to leave. Soon after I started driving a cab. That was quick cash, but the job sucked. Getting up at 3:30 in the morning 5 days a week and doing 10 hour shifts pretty much killed me. 10 years and 45 lbs. later I split. I did have some great stories to tell. Maybe I'll share a few here one day.

Getting back to my Dad. He's living in a senior retirement complex and He's the last man standing. He's like the Lion King, a real "ladies man". He worked his butt off his whole life. Many difficult jobs, sometimes 2 jobs at once. He derserves a good life and He does seem pretty happy these days. I'd just like to be happy like him.

I'm lucky to have family around and I'm going to try use them a my source of inspiration. Things will get better, we just have to have faith and having people around that care surely helps.

The Good Ole Days

A friend of mine sent me this picture. I'm pretty sure it was around 1982. That was yet antother tumultuous time of my life. There was a lot going on but, I can definitely say I was pretty driven. My dedication to music back then was center of my being. I was in my late 20's and even though it was a tough time for us financially we were able to get by. I couldn't imagine back then that 30 years later what would be in store for me. I think the most amazing thing is how much the computor would become my center of life. I had been introduced back then to computors, but to me they were just a stupid little radio shack toy that was doomed to go the way of the "Pet Rock". I didn't grasp back then the potential it would have. I got my first computor in 1991. I was completely enthralled! I dove into it and I realized the potential for writing music. It really inspired me and changed my life profoundly. In the late 90's and early 2000/2005 I was probably at my most creative.

I've kind of burned out a bit in the last 2 years though. I'm having a real hard time finding my creative groove and I feel like I'm really having to force it. I finally understand how many great muscians just drop off the radar. It seems that creative growth and performance ability really slow down as you get older. It's kind of sad, I feel like I just get bored with what I'm doing and lose interest easier. I'm hoping that my entusiasm comes back.

Today was my last weekend to take it easy for awhile. I have to face my new job tomorrow and it's going to be really tough. We decided to take it easy and go for a mellow ride in the park. We stopped at a hot dog stand grabbed a couple of dogs and sat out by the arboretum in the quiet with the flowers and humming birds all around.

I kind of miss the old days. I kind of wish I could go back. I'm really starting to sound like an old man...

911 And Religion

I just signed a contract with my new company. It was a desperation move on my part. I really didn't have any other choice at this point, they have me over a barrel. It really was either sink or swim. it appears at this time that there is no way that we can logically get though this. I'm not sure I can make enough money to pay bills and keep food on the table. I have a couple of ideas, but I can't discuss them here, for it may jeopardize my situation. As I see desperate times necessitate desperate measures. I was hood winked on the amount of money I was to make and even went so far as to call them on it, but they know their are any number of desperate suckers in line behind me to step right into the deal, so I ate it. It was pretty funny to see each time I went to the office the number of managers from my old company walking through the doors like rats jumping from a sinking ship and signing up with the new company.

I came home really depressed and tried to sleep to escape my thoughts, but I just kept looping over the whole situation in my mind. I then made the mistake of turning on the TV and there were a lot of shows on, concerning the 911 anniversary. I got locked into it. There happens to be an amazing amount of video footage that I had never seen before and as I watched it, I couldn't turn away from it. I've never been able to come to terms with that event. I don't understand it and I can't except it. I've never really been able to reconcile it and just move on. I see the event as the beginning of my personal nosedive that has led up to the state of mind I'm in now. There were a lot of things, my job at the time, people in my life and events in my life that began to resurface, but that one event pushed it over the edge The reason I say that was that as soon as I saw that second plane hit that second tower, any faith that I had in Man, God and hope were vaporized with those souls that disappeared in an instant. How could anyone do that? Especially in the name of religion. I usually do not air my thoughts concerning religion, politics and music. I find most people, at least around my age are pretty unshakable in their concepts of the Universe and I'm a real puss when it comes to reality checking people against the boards (hockey terminology). I try to keep the small amount of friends I still have. I've never been able to pin someone in the corner and dig in. It's just not my style.

I now find the idea of an all loving, over controlling God up in the sky watching everyone as extremely ludicrous. At least in the way present day religions portray him. I have utter contempt for the Pope and the Catholic church. They bullshit me and everyone around me when I was growing up while their {edited here: due to intensity and too much personal info} Believe me...I know, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of hypocrisy of what they and all the other religions have gotten away with in the name of God. They're right up there with Nazis and the Taliban.

I think I'm starting to sound like one of those crazy guys walking down the street screaming and muttering to the himself, so I'll give everyone a break and stop venting now.

...................................................................

Last night I woke up around 3am with an all out anxiety attack. Right about that time there was a pretty intense lightening storm that blew through. A couple of those hits were damn close! I haven't experienced that in a long time. Back East we used to get pretty severe storms in the summer time, but they're very rare out here. I did manage to get a ride in today between the sprinkles. It's been kind of weird, I just do the same ride over and over. Twenty miles to the Presidio, beach, park and back. I just haven't had any interest in going anyway or riding with anyone lately. It's pretty pitiful, but I always feel just a tad better after a ride. I'm hoping something changes soon.

My younger brother just got bikes for he and his wife recently. I think he's got the bug now! It's great to hear him so enthusiastic about it. He calls me for tips and to tell me how far he's gone today and the hills he's climbed. I just tell him "just enjoy yourself".

Interrogation

I went for my interrog...I mean interview today for a new old job. I had the rug pulled out from under my feet last week when the property I manage went into recievership by the bank and a new management company was put in charge of the building. Long story short I'm having to do the whole application/interview process for a job I've done for the last eight years. It's pretty scary when I think that everything right now is hinging on this job. If it doesn't work out I'm kind of sunk, with just about zero put away in the bank. I spent everything I had to move from the last building 3 months ago and finance what I needed to come up with for the Aids Lifecycle to Los Angeles. I haven't been able to recoup my losses due to the fact that I've had to take yet a third pay cut in 2 years.

Well, besides the point it was a very stressfull day today. I've become very nervous about my life and the situation I've found myself in all of a sudden. I don't trust anyone I work for anymore. I'm impossibly burned out from working, so it's just a strange spot to be in at this point of my life. I'm not sure even if I get the job that I can handle it. The amount of self doubt I feel is immense. I know somehow I'll get through it, but I'm not looking forward to it. I would love to be retiring somewhere on a little island away from everything. On the postitive side I do feel healthy right now aside from feeling somewhat easily exhausted most of the time. Maybe I'm riding too much, or not enough.

This morning I got up pretty early to ride. I'm just loving riding in the morning. Today I changed my gearing on my fixed gear bike. I went from 46X19 to a 46X16 and set it in to the freewheel. I kind of was missing zooming down hills. In the fixed position I had just gotten a little sick of having to peddle downhill. I got to open up my SE Bike for the first time since I bought it. It just handles beautifully and I really got to feel what a steel bike is all about. Smooth as silk. I'll probably leave it on the freewheel for awhile. I know it's not cool, but I'm old...I can't be a hipster forever.