Friday, March 30, 2012

Never Taken For Granted...The Love Of My Brother

What does taking someone for granted mean? not show that you are grateful to someone for helping you or that you are happy they are with you, often because they have helped you or been with you so often...

There are many things in life through my own selfishness that I have taken for granted. For this I am truly sorry and remorseful. That is something that is gone and can not be won back. We all have shortcomings in our character that come back to bite us. These people, places and things (of which I have many) for which I take for granted will torture and nag me and keep me awake at night through the rest of my life.

What I haven't taken for granted in this life has come back to reward me a thousand fold...

When the end of my life comes upon me with it's dark hand and at this moment in time through my persistent grief over the loss of someone so close, I can say proudly and without a doubt that I never took my brothers love and caring of me for granted. For that I am extremely grateful

Through our lives we've had many, many petty disagreements and conflicts in our points of view. Some very heated and painful. All through that we never ever crossed that threshold to physical confrontation, although there was a lot of psychological warfare from  time to time which I do regret and now realize how childish and unnecessary it all was. Even with the human flaws that everyone in my family could exhibit from time to time my brother Hugh was blessed with just the right amounts of goodness persona and uniqueness that was ever present in all of us but not really as in balance most of the time.

Hugh was a shining light of inspiration, humor and his sincerity and his love was always available. I felt a deep bond and undying connection with him. Many of his friends and acquaintances felt the same.

He had a genuine charisma and an air of confidence that always made you feel secure no matter what the situation may be at the time. Of course this was great especially when playing in a band on stage. No matter how panicked and out of control with dread (which was all the time for me), from the first note to the last it all seemed in control and we would forge through it all with the greatest of ease. If not, we would sure have a huge laugh with no regrets and great story to tell.

Hugh was a bit of a "Mad Scientist" and with our competitive nature became my catalyst for pushing myself way out of the box. We would always try to out-due, undue and blow away each other with our outlandish, sophomoric cleverness. This would most times culminate in an episode of hysterical out of control laughing to point of tears pouring from our eyes.
Hugh was very "Antsy"! I would spend so much of my time watching his antsy-ness as if he were some flea bitten lunatic monkey in a cage. He just couldn't sit still. I would revel when this would lead to some mischief making antics which would ultimately bring in the wrath of some annoyed adult who would chastise him while I rolled in laughter till I thought I would lose my mind.

Even though we were four years apart in age, I felt like we were twins at times. I thought him to be a bit of a genius though and I could be envious of that. He would always tell me what a genius I was and I would just laugh. It seemed absurd to me. He worked very hard at boosting my confidence and probably was the most responsible for me trying to push the limits of what I was capable of.

I feel as though I've known him for so long and we've been through so much in life that it would take a novel trilogy to even begin to lay out the way our lives moved through almost six decades of twist, turns and crossroads together.

His passing left me in utter shock. For the first two days I couldn't even shed a tear. I found myself becoming increasingly angry, agitated and before the dam broke I became outright mad at him.
...and then it hit me. He would miss so much of the things I would come to experience and I would miss all of his. We were supposed to grow old and laugh till we became so ancient that we would forget what we were laughing at. 

I pictured us side by side in our wheel chairs at some future family reunion...
"Who the hell are you"? I would say.
He would respond.
"Huh...where's my banjo? and who the hell are you"?
Hugh would then repeat the infamous dog food tale for the hundredth time.
"Do ya remember when I put the Calo dog food in Mom's hash and everyone ate it"?
I would reply...
"Hash again"? Where's Mom"? Hmmm You never told me that!"
...and then we would just fade away...

I cried for what seemed like hours and my dogs came and lay down with me and licked the tears away till there were no more.
I felt empty alone and a part of my soul had just taken flight...gone.

Hugh, I miss you. I've reached for my phone so many times in the last week to tell you the stupid and petty little things that have come into my day to day existence. It's just not going to be the same without you. If you could only see the outpouring of love and thoughts of you that were expressed the days following your passing from this world, and they're still going on...

Hugh I hope from here we all go to someplace where there is peace, happiness and love. I know that you had so many struggles in your short life and although these vicissitudes at times seemed insurmountable you were always able to see it all through and somehow come out the other side just that much better with a positive understanding and knowledge well earned to climb yet another one of the life's hurdles that the Universe relentlessly throw's before us till the day we graduate from this circle of life.

I love you my brother...
Rock on...
I will never ever forget the time we shared on this planet...You made me a better person.
You are my Hero...

Your brother Pete

There is one song that really really say's what you mean to me...

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