911 And Religion

I just signed a contract with my new company. It was a desperation move on my part. I really didn't have any other choice at this point, they have me over a barrel. It really was either sink or swim. it appears at this time that there is no way that we can logically get though this. I'm not sure I can make enough money to pay bills and keep food on the table. I have a couple of ideas, but I can't discuss them here, for it may jeopardize my situation. As I see desperate times necessitate desperate measures. I was hood winked on the amount of money I was to make and even went so far as to call them on it, but they know their are any number of desperate suckers in line behind me to step right into the deal, so I ate it. It was pretty funny to see each time I went to the office the number of managers from my old company walking through the doors like rats jumping from a sinking ship and signing up with the new company.

I came home really depressed and tried to sleep to escape my thoughts, but I just kept looping over the whole situation in my mind. I then made the mistake of turning on the TV and there were a lot of shows on, concerning the 911 anniversary. I got locked into it. There happens to be an amazing amount of video footage that I had never seen before and as I watched it, I couldn't turn away from it. I've never been able to come to terms with that event. I don't understand it and I can't except it. I've never really been able to reconcile it and just move on. I see the event as the beginning of my personal nosedive that has led up to the state of mind I'm in now. There were a lot of things, my job at the time, people in my life and events in my life that began to resurface, but that one event pushed it over the edge The reason I say that was that as soon as I saw that second plane hit that second tower, any faith that I had in Man, God and hope were vaporized with those souls that disappeared in an instant. How could anyone do that? Especially in the name of religion. I usually do not air my thoughts concerning religion, politics and music. I find most people, at least around my age are pretty unshakable in their concepts of the Universe and I'm a real puss when it comes to reality checking people against the boards (hockey terminology). I try to keep the small amount of friends I still have. I've never been able to pin someone in the corner and dig in. It's just not my style.

I now find the idea of an all loving, over controlling God up in the sky watching everyone as extremely ludicrous. At least in the way present day religions portray him. I have utter contempt for the Pope and the Catholic church. They bullshit me and everyone around me when I was growing up while their {edited here: due to intensity and too much personal info} Believe me...I know, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of hypocrisy of what they and all the other religions have gotten away with in the name of God. They're right up there with Nazis and the Taliban.

I think I'm starting to sound like one of those crazy guys walking down the street screaming and muttering to the himself, so I'll give everyone a break and stop venting now.

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Last night I woke up around 3am with an all out anxiety attack. Right about that time there was a pretty intense lightening storm that blew through. A couple of those hits were damn close! I haven't experienced that in a long time. Back East we used to get pretty severe storms in the summer time, but they're very rare out here. I did manage to get a ride in today between the sprinkles. It's been kind of weird, I just do the same ride over and over. Twenty miles to the Presidio, beach, park and back. I just haven't had any interest in going anyway or riding with anyone lately. It's pretty pitiful, but I always feel just a tad better after a ride. I'm hoping something changes soon.

My younger brother just got bikes for he and his wife recently. I think he's got the bug now! It's great to hear him so enthusiastic about it. He calls me for tips and to tell me how far he's gone today and the hills he's climbed. I just tell him "just enjoy yourself".